Enter the Filing Cabinet of Shit Why We Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns

The Foundation Studio Journal

Enter the Filing Cabinet of Shit

Why We Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns

By Karen ThomFounder of The Foundation Studio

At Womanifest recently I introduced something I call the Filing Cabinet of Shit.The response was far bigger than I expected.The more I've talked about it, the more I've realised it deserves a proper introduction.Because if we understand what's inside our filing cabinet, we begin to understand ourselves.So... enter Le Filing Cabinet of Shit.

Basically, everything that's ever happened to us since we were born is filed away.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

Any time there's a rejection, a criticism, somebody shouted at us, somebody told us we looked awful...

We just keep filing it.

Filing it.

Filing it.

Filing it all away.

Eventually it becomes so ingrained that we don't even realise that it's the place we're reacting from. Sometimes we make it mean something about us.

So we get upset about something and think,

"You've hurt my feelings. "

"It's how I feel. "

"this is how I am"

"it becomes part of our personality, I am "

But is it?

Is it really how we feel?

Is it part of who we are?

Or is it just an old file that's been pulled?

Because our brains are so quick. They're so freaking clever.

They've had decades of flexing this muscle. They've been at the gym twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week since we were born.

So this shit doesn't change overnight.

That filing cabinet is massive.

As soon as anything happens, none of this is conscious, it recognises a pattern, thinks oh yep, I know this , I know exactly how to react and starts pulling files, meanwhile you're just having a conversation.....

They say,

"Oh, you look nice. "

And in the back of your mind filing cabinets going,

"What do you mean? "

"Is there something wrong with what I'm wearing? "

"Do you think this looks shit? "

"Why are you saying that? "

When all they've actually done is tell you that you look nice.

Or maybe you react really quickly, not in the tone you meant or something was out of your mouth before you've had chance to think...

But somewhere in the back of your mind your filing cabinet has just pulled the file where somebody once told you, you looked nice...

... Except you know they didn't mean it, maybe they made fun of you, questioned why YOU would wear that.

And your filing cabinet is giving itself a little pat on the back.

"Mm-hmm. "

"Yep. "

"Found that one quickly. "

Meanwhile, you're left standing there thinking,

"Shit... Why did I react like that? "

"Why did I question it? "

"Where is this coming from? "

We don't question these things, we just think it's part of who we are.

But I want to question that.

Is it part of who we are?

Or is it one of those ancient files that's just been pulled?

Those files become so ingrained we've made them part of who we are.

We don't even realise they're there.

And when we don't know they're there, we can't make a different choice.

So we stay stuck in the same arguments, the same patterns, the same relationships.

Exercise.

Diet.

Romance.

Work.

Family.

Whatever it is

Same filing cabinet.

We ask ourselves,

"Why does this keep happening?"

Without realising we're asking the wrong question.

Because what we're really looking at is an old story we've been living inside for years we don’t recognise it as the problem its so ingrained.

But if we're prepared to be really open, sit with that filing cabinet and sift through those stories...

...essentially Marie Kondo the shit out of it....we start recognising things we couldn't see before.

Recognition creates choice.

When we have choice, we have power.

The power of choice changes lives.

People don't change because someone gives them better advice or tells us how something works.

We change when we recognise ourselves inside the thing we couldn't see before, it suddenly becomes visible…..

For me, that's the magically shit bit.

It's like a kaleidoscope of stories crashing through your life.

You suddenly see it's been there everywhere.

"Shit..."

The penny drops.

"Fuck."

It's horrible.

It's awful.

But it's also incredibly powerful.

Because once you've seen it......you can't unsee it.

Now you have choice.

Now you know what you're looking for.

You won’t catch it every time.

I certainly don't.

But you start recognising the patterns.

You start recognising the triggers.

Maybe I'm weird, but I actually enjoy it.

It becomes a game.

"Oh... there you are, you sneaky little squirrel."

The hardest part is catching yourself in that split second.

Your filing cabinet has already pulled a file.

It's screaming at you to react.

Everything in you wants to let rip.

But instead....you choose.

You choose how you want to show up.

And every time you do...

1-0 to you.

F- you, filing cabinet.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't get it right every time.

Far from it.

But I know exactly what it looks like, I remember when Simon and I first started dating.

A lot of my old patterns came screaming out of my Filing Cabinet of Shit.

I remember physically throwing my phone across the room so I wouldn't react to what that filing cabinet was telling me to do.

Running out of the room.

Closing the door.

If I'd responded from that filing cabinet, Simon would have thought I’d been taken over by aliens.

What I would have been reacting to had nothing to do with him, or the situation right in front of us.

It was old conditioning, old files, stories, experiences.

My filing cabinet was trying to project them onto my new reality.

But I could recognise it.

I could see it.

So I could choose differently.

Honestly, if I hadn't had that recognition, I probably would have ended the relationship.

Because he did what he said he was going to do.

When he said he was going to do it.

He loved his family and his friends.

Apparently that was suspicious behaviour according to my filing cabinet.

How ridiculous is that?

But that's what happens when your filing cabinet has been working twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year since you were born, collecting files like a hoarder.

It doesn't change overnight.

It isn't always something you wake up one morning and suddenly get over.

But it can change.

Just like we can build strength in our bodies, we can build new pathways in our brains.

I've done it.

One of the most unexpected things I've noticed as I've worked through my own filing cabinet is that something else started to happen.

Compassion.

For myself.

And for other people.

Because once you understand why someone reacts the way they do, everything shifts.

You don't have to agree with it and certainly don't need to excuse it.

But you understand it.

They're carrying a filing cabinet too.

And that gives you a choice to decide what works for YOU and your life ……

Ultimately, I found it stopped me making everything about me.

Which was a shame.....I'd become quite attached to that theory.

 

About Karen

Karen Thom is the founder of The Foundation Studio and creator of Communication DNA™ and file|delete™.

Her work explores the unconscious patterns that shape the relationship we have with ourselves and, in turn, every relationship around us.

Through speaking, writing and programmes, she helps people recognise the things they've been living inside without realising it.

Because recognition creates choice.